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Joke of the Day

"[first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape"

"What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? ""Worse case of suicide I ever saw."""

"Selling a vacuum has to be nearly impossible. They all suck."

"Doctor doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible! What sister?"

"What is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship."

"Dad goes on date with Carly Rae Jepsen As she got into his car he said ""Hi, Maybe."""

"""I've turned over a new leaf"" ~ me explaining to the nissan salesman that I had an accident on the test drive"

"Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend."

"I think I was an unwanted child I'm 36 years old and my mother is still chasing me around with a coat hanger"

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea I won't pay 200 to have a lentil on my face"