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Joke of the Day

"you're lucky I can teach you how to shave my dad wasnt around to teach me. now watch *presses razor against face and moves head up and down*"

"Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency! Me: *grabs tools* Neighbor is naked and wet Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?"

"What do Cooperstown and Woodstock have in common? Cooperstown is where Baseball wasn't invented and Woodstock is where the festival didn't happen."

"Doctor Who was still hungry after dinner.... So he went back four seconds."

"I was researching converting to Mormonism until I found out you have to give them 10% of your income I guess I'm Jewish."

"It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I'm free to babysit tonight."

"What do runners eat before a race? Nothing. They fast"

"[OC] Why can't an orchestra made of OB/GYN doctors ever get good enough to perform a concert? Because the C-section is always messy."

"Are we heading in the right direction, Yoda? - ""Off-course we are"""

"I hate when people read over my shoulder while I'm texting. 2 car lengths please Mr. Policeman."