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Joke of the Day

"What are two letters a Brit can't live without? T and Qs."

"Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better. - What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex."

"You know why Russia is more productive? They're rushin'"

"You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you."

"TIFU Down was jealous."

"Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me."

"What do you call a dog that is underwater? A sub-woofer! Thank you, I'll be here all day."

"What do you call a Saudi cow? A moo-slim"

"Don't ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don't want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth."

"One time, I solicited a midget hooker. I paid her fifty bucks to go up on me."