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Joke of the Day

"My wife and I weren't really expecting a baby, and then BAM!... One smacks right into the windshield."

"What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer? One says, 'Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!' The other says 'Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe.'"

"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined."

"2 guys are in a public bathroom One is white, and the other is black. The white guy says across the wall, ""This water is cold!"" to which the black guy replies, ""It's deep too!"""

"Coworker:I'll take care if it. *Translation* You're gonna take care of it. You just don't know it yet."

"My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant She said ""Ohh , something smells nice"" So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time."

"HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE."

"[Twister] DOG 1: left paw green DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY"

"Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it, let's fly headfirst into a plate glass window."

"[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare] And here's more footage of people, but I'm sure apes will be in this film any minute now.."