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Joke of the Day

"""Opportunity"" doesn't always knock the door... Last night she walked in our room when we were in a compromising position. Kids these days!"

"Today my friend got a new downstairs neighbor. Herpes"

"So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch... ...and then I thought, ""wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would""."

"My city has been putting in tons of toll booths. Yesterday I had to pay ten cents before they'd let me pass through an intersection! At least I was able to turn on a dime."

"*holding a glass of white wine with 2 hands like it's a mug of hot cocoa*"

"How do you know which tree is the jew? It doesn't drop apples."

"I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters"

"How to fall down the stairs Step 1 Step 2 Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Floor."

"If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about."

"Types of people There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, and those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base-3 joke."