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Joke of the Day

"I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over."

"If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check."

"Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)"

"Half of my life has been spent hoping people don't see me."

"Did you hear about the Mathematician who was constipated, and lost his calculator? He worked it out with a pencil"

"Of course I can keep a secret, It's the people I tell it to that can't."

"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause."

"Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole. :("

"Do you know the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss, but you get herpes from kissing a snatch."

"I see right through Caitlin Jenner Because she's trans-parent"