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Joke of the Day

"A prince asked a beautiful princess to marry him.. And she said no. The prince lived happily ever after."

"""And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss."" - Me as a tour guide"

"Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don't like like the internet."

"I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese."

"*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt* I'll have whatever is the most splattery and red"

"What's the difference between a large chested lobster and a dirty bus stop? One's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station."

"I walked into a bar once... and it fuckin hurt."

"I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be ""saved"" or you'll ""burn"". Stupid firemen."

"1912 called. They want their boring ass concept of a parade back."

"I wish my wife were more like the Cleveland Browns. She'd work out all week and suck dick every Sunday."