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Joke of the Day

"Christian pop music? You mean holy shit?"

"I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage."

"How do you get 100 babies into a phone booth? with a blender. how do you get them out? with a straw."

"My girlfriend's brain is going 24/7... Like a 7/11, not anyways doing business but it's always open."

"Me: ""Can I see the baby?"" Sister: ""Yes, but only if she's awake."" Me, through a megaphone: ""NOT A PROBLEM."""

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I've never gotten stuck in a traffic jelly!"

"It's not herpes I burned my lip on a hot sausage."

"I accidentally subscribed to the ""married man"" edition of Playboy. It's got the same centerfold every month."

"Why do redditors hate the robot NASA sent to Mars? Because Curiosity killed the cat!"

"What do you call a Mexican who can't find his vehicle? Carlos."