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Joke of the Day

"A started a blog about ADHD... ...it's going to have recipes and I went to the Alamo."

"Doctor doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire. Drink this glass of water. Will it make me better? No but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks."

"What does Michael Bolton say when he walks into an elevator? ""This place rocks!"""

"Now that we're moving in together I feel it's time to fill him in on the secret I've protected him from for 5 years: Girls poop too."

"*around a fire* There used to be no iMessage *kids gasp* ""So there were a lot of green messages?"" THEY WERE ALL GREEN MESSAGES *kids scream*"

"Ok Reddit, I'll be signing off to take my girlfriend home... ...and I'm back, didn't take long to put my hand in my pocket."

"[Lie detector] ""You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?"" - Yes *needle going nuts* ""I, sir, have been owned"""

"If there'd been a mix up my uncle could have been President of the United States He was an army undertaker, also known as a 'barrack embalmer' \- Milton Jones"

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? You may have to give me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid this morning."

"Why can't the motorcycle get up on its own? It's two tired."