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Joke of the Day

"I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person."

"Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle."

"Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat."

"INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes? ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct."

"What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out."

"Did you know Achilles was a runway model? He was fired because of his walk. He had a problem with heels."

"Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right."

"Which cheese is made backwards? Edam."

"What do you call sex with a french midget? Bone a petite"

"My cat just sneezed directly into my eyeballs so I'll probably be dead soon. Goodbye, guys. No, you can't have my stuff."