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Joke of the Day

"[stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before."

"Whoa. There are books on TAPE? Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives."

"I tried to stop cussing for like five months... But I said fuck it."

"[dark alley] Dealer: so what you want Me: a gram [dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]"

"[talking to son on the phone] ""I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police"" I'm sorry. We've been very busy with the holidays and all."

"Dreading the day that all my present and past roommates figure out that I haven't bought my own body wash in 10 years."

"My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term. It's textbook economics."

"Went to the Indian bakery today and asked for some bread They said they had naan"

"[NSFW] How do you keep a woman screaming hours after having sex Finish on the curtains"

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's some obscure number.. You've probably never heard of it"