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Joke of the Day

"[ER] ME: [scared] well? DOCTOR: ur ok M: so it was just a dream D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them"

"What's the definition of awful? Putting a bomb on a disabled person's back and telling him to run."

"Damn girl are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up"

"My friend went into a sudden trance where she imagined she was stuck in a Pistachio. I told her to snap out of it. -She couldn't.-"

"Two parrots were sitting on a perch One says to the other, ""Something smells a bit fishy!"""

"I asked my friend in North Korea how he was doing. He said he can't complain."

"I couldn't figure out how the hammer and nails worked... So I just said ""Screw it."""

"Good luck making the Instagram most viewed page if you're not an adorable Japanese teenager eating frozen yogurt."

"How are farts and Ancient Egypt similar? They both have a Tutankhamun."

"The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered."