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Joke of the Day

"All I'm saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way."

"Go 3 days without your favorite thing. Then go 3 days without sleep. It turns out sleep is actually your favorite thing."

"If you get cold, just stand in a corner for a little bit. They're usually 90 degrees."

"I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut the f@#K-up! but the parrot was cool though!"

"Last night I hooked up with Edward Snowden's sister. believe me, she's the REAL whistle blower."

"My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz He was charged with manufacture of crystal math"

"Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours."

"Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We're going to need somewhere to go after this next election"

"Responded to a ""you up"" text at 3AM with ""Let me play with your teeth."" The reply ten minutes later: ""no."" This is already my favorite year."

"What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a free lunch? Bernie Sanders exists."