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Joke of the Day

"What do you call an elderly vampire? Grampire."

"I'm at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous"

"wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?"

"A man enters a library A man goes to the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds ""Fuck off, you're not gonna bring it back."""

"You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away."

"The Comcast repairman asked if he could use my bathroom. I guess he had to cut some cable."

"What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common? When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake."

"Why is it a bad idea to change clothes at a Pokemon's house? Because he might Pikachu!"

"How did the Roman feel when he cannibalized his nagging wife? Glad-he-ater"

"The only time I'm like ""maybe god is real"" is when I'm eating really really good nachos."