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Joke of the Day

"Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year? It didn't Snowden."

"What distance say when velocity fell on top of him? Ow, this really hertz."

"Sometimes you just need a cunning linguist to get a tiny pianist joke. [[ Obligatory text]]"

"Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest"

"A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland... A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe."

"Why can't some snakes get boners? Because they have a reptile dysfunction."

"What did the HS principal say when he accidentally got a math substitute to fill in for a chemistry teacher? Whoops, wrong sub."

"Coworker: What a crazy weekend! Me: *takes a knee* CW: What are you doing? M: Protesting this conversation."

"Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to ""hit the sack"" I instinctively cover my balls just in case."

"""It's a boy!"" ...he screamed, ""it's a boy!"". Tears rolling down his face, and he vowed to never go back to Thailand."