25054

Joke of the Day

"I just read a story about a blind guy who's training to run in his eleventh marathon in case you were wondering what a lazy fuck you are."

"I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.. But no one will do it."

"What did one snowman say to the other snowman? *sniff* do you smell carrots?"

"So someone asks a junkie.. Do you still use heroin? Well.. On the one hand yes, on the other hand no."

"I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife."

"What do you call a group of unorganized cats? A CAT-ASTROPHE!"

"Umlaut is a pretty fancy word for what are basically just letter nipples."

"What's a one way streets favorite band? One Direction"

"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? Matt"

"Grandpa, why did you have so many kids? ""Hey anon, do you want to know why your grandmother and I had so many children?"" ""Why's that, Grandpa?"" ""No TV."""