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Joke of the Day

"I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial."

"[landlord showing new tenant around] ""No smoking allowed"" ""How about pets?"" ""That's fine"" [dog walks in and lights up] ""We'll take it"""

"What do a mole and an eagle have in common? They both live underground, apart from the eagle."

"What do you call jerking off two dicks with your elbows? The chicken dance."

"Need Help with a prank I stole a co-workers pen the other day, (really nice pen) as a joke. I want to send them a ransome letter. Can anyone help me out? Thanks"

"Beauty and the Beast is an introvert's worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you."

"That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod"

"It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin."

"A kid looks up from his phone... ...."

"I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver."