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Joke of the Day

"Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog."

"What do you call someone who spends all day masturbating in the restroom? Pissing away your future."

"""My dad is a famous spy"" Yeah my dad sucks at his job too"

"Whenever I see a middle-aged guy trying desperately to hang onto his youth, I always think ""I should move this mirror""."

"I love being a pessimist. I'm either always right or pleasantly surprised."

"If there was a hooker named Barbie ... And she was really good at her job, would the line outside her apartment be called the Barbie queue? Edit: spelling"

"What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette."

"How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the ""f"" out of the word ""way"". (get it yet...?)"

"[Cruise ship] ""HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK"" - I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff"

"The Three Rs of Reddit Repost, reuse,recycle."