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Joke of the Day

"Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help. She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night."

"Obamacare? More like ""Obama? I don't care for that guy!!!"" Honk if you want poor people to die"

"I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I'll forget it. Like 'pick up milk,' 'go to bank,' 'you don't hate minorities.'"

"A homeless guy outside played the Braveheart theme on a recorder. Pretty awesome. Not as awesome as having a house, but still, AWESOME."

"My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks"

"Congratulations to Mumford & Sons for winning six ""Golden Banjos"" at the 2012 Boring Awards!!!"

"A warm toilet seat... A warm toilet seat is like fucking a prostitute. It feels amazing at first but you can't help but wonder who was there before you."

"Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb they screw in a hot tub."

"What do you with a dying chemist? Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!"

"What do people hate about CEOs of big internet companies? They act too paowerful"