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Joke of the Day

"Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car."

"So it's world Philosophy day today and I was trying to think of something deep to say... The best I could come up with was lagoon."

"I tried to convince the grape that she had dried out... But I just couldn't raisin with her. I'll see myself out."

"I'm good at telling dad jokes Hi good at telling dad jokes, I'm dad."

"I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town. They call it resisting a rest."

"I like that I'm not a celebrity. It means I can call people 'retards' and I don't have to apologize."

"I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a ""Pregnant Only"" parking spot in front of the Liquor store."

"This morning I woke up, got out, and went for a five mile run That's the last time I try to push start a car by myself."

"Ever read Helen Keller's book? No? Neither did she."

"Make sure you get your ham early for Christmas... Because thanks to Putin there will be no Turkey left."