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Joke of the Day

"Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?"

"What does Stevie Wonder call his money? Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend?"

"I held the door open for a Japanese woman today and she said, ""sank you."" Pretty fucked up for her to bring up Pearl Harbor like that."

"Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest."

"Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world?"

"[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad] ""Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."""

"I have a sister named Virginia... We called her Virgin for short, but not for long!"

"Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I'm not looking for anything serious right now."

"You, my friend, deserve a high-five...that's four more fingers than I normally give."

"What do you call a show full of lions ? The mane event !"