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Joke of the Day

"INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast ME: *shows up four hours later* INTERVIEWER: you're hired"

"I'm dressing up as Bernie Sanders for halloween I'm going to take the candy from the rich kids and give it all to the poor ones"

"5: Mommy can we pee in the pool? M: NO! Neighbors kid: Why? M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they'll eat and kill you."

"""How'd the session go with your new therapist?"" ""It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."""

"There are 2 important rules in business. 1. Don't tell people everything you know."

"Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn't? The dime had more cents."

"H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower! Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower. H: Yeah but you're not in it right now, I am."

"With the new Disney-Lucas Films merger... ... is Leia a Disney princess?"

"Who was the best financier in the Bible? Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation."

"There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate....others require a full clip and a shovel."