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Joke of the Day

"Don't be sad, laundry. nobody's doing me either"

"My life will forever be divided into two segments: before I ever used a bidet, and the Age of Enlightenment."

"Dear diary, My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him. Apparently Meth wasn't what he expected. Dating is bull shit"

"I went in to hospital for an operation... I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said: ""Sure, knock yourself out""."

"My negotiating strategy is to make a skeptical face for one second then pay what the other person asked."

"*storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS"

"What did the leper say to the prostitute after their session? ""Keep the tip."""

"Of course there's a financial crisis in Greece. How much yogurt could they possibly sell."

"Why is time wary of mathematicians? They're always plotting against it."

"What is the opposite of paranoia? Thinking you are following someone."