224629

Joke of the Day

"Alzheimer's Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease. Geezer: Well at least I don't have cancer."

"Unroll wrapping paper. Shoo cat away Turn to get gift Shoo cat away Get tape Dammit cat Get tape Wrap up cat Wrap up gift Pet cat"

"I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim."

"""I think we should touch other people's faces"" - blind break up"

"I watched my neighbor get evicted the other day... ...It was a moving experience."

"Why did Bowie die? I guess he was shot through the heart"

"I got a new job breaking up suicidal couples. I'm not very good at it, two of them already tied the knot."

"As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them"

"The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about."

"On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment."