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Joke of the Day

"When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'"

"Dr: Are you sexually active? Me: *cries* Dr: Um, are you sexually- Me: *cries harder* Dr: .....Ok. Do you drink? Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK"

"How is the American public now like Socrates? By November, they will have both picked their poison."

"Whats the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana? Nothing, their last big hit was the wall."

"Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?"

"Did you hear about the weird music that plays at Mozarts grave.... Don't worry, He's decomposing."

"Looking forward to his next movie Night at the Mausoleum"

"What do you get when... ...you cross a religious skeptic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? A person who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog."

"I like going up to people with motorcycle helmets and asking them for Daft Punk's autograph."

"Remember when dresses were slightly longer but still cute, and when I bent over my gender didn't show? I want those back."