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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out."

"My colleague was fired for stealing printer cartridges He was caught magenta handed."

"So I told my girlfriend... ""Hey, wanna try anal?"" She lost her shit on me."

"WIFE: Will he ever wake up? DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it W: i sold his pet hamster ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE"

"One time the top popped off my blender when I was making a smoothie. So... Yeah Iceland, I get it."

"I don't condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room."

"Why do physicists love going to church It's the center of mass"

"Wife: Talk sexy to me Husband: Commencing garment extraction W: Huh? H: Initiating trouser disengagement W: ... H: Removing unmentionables"

"What would you call Osama bin Laden if he became a pirate? Sandy Hook."

"I put my Grandma on speed dial... I call that instagram!"