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Joke of the Day

"cop: ""you kinda look like one that's all"" me: ""in no way am i a pirate"" cop: ""hmm, are you sure?"" parrot on my shoulder: ""did he stutter?"""

"IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian."

"[job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times"

"I posed naked for a magazine today. Although from the reaction I got I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money."

"What does prison have in common with biology? Cell culture."

"Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, ""Oh wow, I love these, thanks"" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, ""dude, I got this"""

"The Katy Perry song that goes, ""You're hot and you're cold,"" was actually about a microwaveable burrito."

"My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch."

"There is no ""I"" in the word ""team,"" but I don't think that means anything about team work. That's just how it's spelled."

"It's impossible to think about uptown funk without getting it stuck in your head... Don't believe me? Just watch!"