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Joke of the Day

"Does the census keep track of adults who sleep in their work clothes and shower three times a week? I need friends"

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"My fortune cookie reads ""I peed in your fried rice"" and it's hand written..."
"I wish just once in one of those ""What's in her bag"" magazine spreads they actually showed tampons and cocaine."
"The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, ""My place isn't that bad, I can go another week"""
"What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half."
"A retarded kid, chemo patient, and midget walk into a candy store... [And walk out with jawbreakers bigger than their heads!](http://imgur.com/HwGG6mm)"
"Harambe went to a bar Bartender: What can I get you today? Harambe: May I get a martini? Me: Just ice for Harambe. Harambe: Just ice? Me: Justice for Harambe."
"What do you call it when Batman skips church Christian Bale"
"What do you call gingers in Auschwitz? Concentrated Orange Jews"
"The hardest part of having sex again after you have recently been widowed is.... Gettin there before the rigor mortis sets in."
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