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Joke of the Day

"A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?"

"When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap. It was quite touching, really."

"A gymnast walks on a bar."

"The worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl is... You have to drop the bomb twice"

"If a tree falls in the woods.... .....and no one is around to hear it. Will a hipster buy the soundtrack?"

"What do you do when an elephant comes in your window? You swim!"

"Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'"

"Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I'm so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it's my husband."

"Politics is an ""I'm not an asshole"" contest for assholes."

"What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ"