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Joke of the Day

"I shoot skeet for fun. Skeet, however, gets pretty pissed when I do."

"I asked a music teacher what is sooo hard about playing a violin... she said it's kinda fiddely."

"Wanna see a pig with three eyes [improved] a cop with a body camera."

"How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS."

"[marriage counseling] She's always getting mad at me ""There's a shark living in our pool"" IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN"

"Did you hear about the Jew and the Scotsman who spent the night together? Apparently that's all they spent."

"I hate when I'm in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I'm in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms."

"Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter! Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you."

"I'm not a basic Jew, I'm Hasidic."

"Does WebMD ever just say ""you're fine, there's nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?"""