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Joke of the Day

"me: [seductively ignores and stays away from you to let you know i'm into you]"

"1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face."

"In the beginning there was nothing......then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said ""Get a job"". That is the story of the universe."

"I have a higher IQ than Batman and Donald Trump combined. By the way, Batman has a higher IQ than me."

"When people are kissing in public, it's weird how angry they get when you try and join in."

"Why did the double agent cross the road? Because he never really was on your side."

"How did the Hipster burn his tongue? He ate pizza before it was cool"

"I learned two important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down."

"I wanted to become a dictator... but I was only partially qualified."

"What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat."