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Joke of the Day

"me: [seductively ignores and stays away from you to let you know i'm into you]"

"6yo: I can't wait to be an adult! Me: Adults don't get snow days. 6yo *faints*"

"[bum holds his hand out] ""can I have some change?"" change comes from within ""thank u. now I'm not poor anymore"""

"will somebody tell my friend its spelled ""gif"" not ""gf"" and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer"

"Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse."

"Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they've fallen asleep on the train."

"What's the definition of a school report? A poison pen letter from the principal."

"What is Siri really good at? Playing pocket pool."

"Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment."

"If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were in a car accident, who would survive? America."