217806

Joke of the Day

"Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows. *Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*"

"What's a dyslexic stoner's favorite phone brand? HTC."

"A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come to work :("

"A guy with a lisp once told me he would kill me in this very spot... He said it was my final deathtination."

"[rap battle] *drops the mic* *scrambles around trying to pick up the mic* [20min earlier] *other guy covering my mic in butter*"

"What disease causes people to swear at the dinner table? Gilles de la gourmette"

"I was on the beach with my daughter. After a while, she turned to me and said, ""Dad, you look like a lobster."" ""Oh no,"" I replied, ""Am I burning?"" She said, ""No. Just very ugly."""

"Guy having sex says ""damn, there should be a law against sex this good"" To which the girl replies ""I think there is daddy"""

"What would you do if you were a ghost?"