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Joke of the Day

"A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender ""one for me and one for the road""."

"White girls spend 15% of their lives thinking about cutting bangs."

"Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles."

"So, I asked a few former Wall Street employees how they were going to clean their record... ...""Submerse it in water"", they said. The bath-tards."

"A pirate walks in a bar... A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says ""whats with that"" the Pirate says ""ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"""

"Everyone type it with me: A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless."

"I'll admit that my jokes are cheesy, but even then the ones I find hilarious my friends don't find funny at all They must be laughtose intolerant"

"You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list."

"If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more."

"What's the difference between my porn stash and Call of Duty? One is full of screaming 10 year old boys and the other is Call of Duty."