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Joke of the Day

"[Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] ""What the-"" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY"

"What does walking on a broken suspension bridge and getting head by a gay-guy have in common? It goes well aslong as you don't look down."

"If Skittles were made from actual fruit, I'd be considered a much better parent."

"I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he's at work, but I can't decide what outfit to put on the cat."

"I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it... Starting today, no more reading."

"This Joke is a Bit of a Stretch What did the hillbilly say when his yoga instructor asked if you wanted to leave the class? ""Na, I'm a-stay"""

"You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles.... But at least they drive slowly past schools"

"Q: What's E.T. short for? A: So he can fit in his space ship."

"I have Electile Dysfunction Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year."

"I just became the mayor of ""Giving Away Tons of Personal Data to Corporations and Government Agencies Because I'm an Idiot"" on FourSquare!"