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Joke of the Day

"*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend."

"Why did the Anthropod need braces? It had a trilobite. Get it? ..I'll show myself to the door."

"I grew up in Bolivia but I left because the currency is bullshit."

"How many NBA refs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw playoff games."

"[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring"

"How Wonderful Did you hear the story of the man that had the great honor of being crushed by a steam roller? He was flattered"

"I had a great idea for a courier business, run by lesbians. I'd call the company ""Lickety Split Delivery""."

"Dating is like vitamins If you don't go outside much you won't get the D."

"Why did the farmer cross the road? He was fucking the chicken."

"A neutrino walks into a bar... and it just keeps on going."