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Joke of the Day

"I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help."

"I swear I only have sex standing up.. I'm not fucking laying!"

"Nobody should regret anything that made them smile."

"*termites on date* Waiter: what would you like to order, sir? Termite: table for two."

"Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store."

"The difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is staggering."

"Sometimes I use big words I don't understand to make myself look more photosynthesis"

"I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class... It's about thyme"

"Home Alone is so unrealistic, the robbers aren't even black!"

"Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever."