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Joke of the Day

"I swallow at least one note per meal that says ""we're all really proud of you,"" in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day."

"today my internet went out for About 3 minutes...... Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people."

"Yes, autocorrect, I live you too."

"How do you stop the dog trying to hump your leg? Suck his dick."

"Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel? Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep."

"It feels like Obama's been on tour longer than The Rolling Stones."

"What's the definition of a Russian elevator? A Chechen presses a button and five floors come down."

"Actions speak louder than Facebook posts..."

"Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ? 'Quick' said one 'run ! Before they say we did it !"

"A Liberian man has 1 pie and shares half with his friend, what does he now have? Ebola, most likely."