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Joke of the Day

"Can't wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post ""what is this, 2016?"" Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me."

"I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend"

"Hockey is the only place where Waving your stick in someones face will get you the box."

"Social Justice Warriors are so sensitive that... Social Justice Warriors are so sensitive that they don't need a Large Hadron Collider to locate the Higgs-Boson Particle."

"I've been studying the Cold War and nuclear weapons for history class non-stop... ...it's driving me MAD."

"did you hear about the flaccid, chinese penis that ran for presidency? He didn't stand a chance in the erection."

"What do star wars and the U.K. have in common? They both abandoned the EU"

"""DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU."" -real thing I just said to my son"

"Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? A: Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? B: Which one? A: the I-sis"

"Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you."