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Joke of the Day

"[hospital] ""The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live."" But does my hair look good?"

"I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween, so I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in... Fuck the ships ! My lighthouse, my rules !"

"Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ? It was a scream !"

"6.9 is worse than 69 because... it's interrupted by a period."

"What do you call shooting yourself in the face with jiz? Homo-cide"

"Why did Amy Schumer go to a psychic? Because it's the only way she'll ever get near a medium."

"My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here."

"If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love? The swallow."

"For all those men who say""Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"" I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!"

"What happened to the frog's illegally parked car? It got toad away"