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Joke of the Day

"""Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."""

"*Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please."

"Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it's two tired. Edit: added ""because""."

"The Energizer Bunny stole the Morton's girl umbrella. It was assault with battery!"

"My Social Studies classes never taught me relevant social topics like ""How to ask a girl out,"" ""How much to pay her,"" or ""Will HIV kill me?"""

"ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains? ZOMBIE 2: because. It's food for thought! haha ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]"

"What is the most religious unit in electrical engineering? Ohm."

"How do you make a rabbit fast? Don't feed it."

"[1st date] -I'm a fish whisperer. Wow, what does that mean? -*whispers* Fish. Oh... Haha um what do you- -*whispers right in her ear* Fish."

"If I was a ghost, I'd write ""Happy Birthday"" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday."