209942

Joke of the Day

"How do you catch a WiFi? With an ethernet!"

"[in Paris] Will you have sex with me? ""No monsieur."" Okay, like, I don't speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES."

"The forecast isn't calling for rain so I'm just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong"

"If I was a funeral director, I'd tell everyone ""I'll see you later"" & then wink, because it's fun to freak people out."

"Watching Animal Hoarders. It's like Snow White only the animals aren't really helping with the cleaning."

"My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I've only ever known her as Christine"

"I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty."

"What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry ? A gooseberry is green !"

"If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra."

"My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing."