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Joke of the Day

"How do you get someone with downs syndrome out of a tree? Wave at them."

"SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it."

"*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out* But that means [cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]"

"""Removing my make up"" Or how I like to call it: ""Reset face to factory settings"""

"I took my skateboard around my friend's house. ""Wanna see me kickflip?"" I asked. ""No..."" he sighed. He really regrets naming his dog ""Flip""."

"If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn't work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly."

"Advertising for a babysitter Apparently, saying I prefer the babysitter not have a gag reflex isn't as appropriate as it seemed when I wrote the ad."

"I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers. Happy Father's day"

"There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed."

"Double standars If a woman has sex with lots of men, people call her a slut. If a man does the same, they call him an homosexual."