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Joke of the Day
"What is Santa's favorite band? Slayer."
Next Joke
"[Job interview] Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus? Interviewer: Holy shit"
"You kick one baby and everyone's like ""That's not a football"" and ""He's not breathing, call 911."" Draaaaaama."
"Why did the girl walk past her crush twice? He didn't believe in love at first sight."
"My pee tells me I'm probably dehydrated this morning which makes no sense at all because I'm pretty sure I drank enough last night."
"Me: I have NO drafts! Wife: *opens window* Me: ... Wife: *opens door* Me: ... Wife: That better? Me: I should have married your sister."
"Why are black men taller than white men? Because their knee grows."
"A Russian teaching his son the spelling of assassination One ass behind another ass, behind that I, and behind me the whole nation."
"Earth's scientists have discovered that sheep are smarter than most primates. This explains why not a lot of sheep tune in to Jersey Shore."
"My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there - so he'd see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey."