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Joke of the Day

"My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress. It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all."

"[Eating] Waiter: How's the meal? Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ..."

"There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry. I just sit there, shaking my fist."

"u have one (1) new dad. click here to accept Todd."

"What does having sex with a hooker and bungee jumping have in common? If the rubber brakes, you're screwed."

"Why are trigonometric functions always women? Because they have periods!"

"Pen A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. ""Oh, damn it,"" he proclaims, ""Some asshole has my pen!"""

"Why did the shark swim in circles? He had a nosebleed."

"Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you'd brought a knife."

"I'm not disappointed, I'm just mad"