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Joke of the Day

"My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, ""damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"""

"Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?"

"I was going to buy a drawbridge But apparently they're let downs."

"6: can u get me a drink? Me: no, you're 6yo. You can get your own drink 6: fine *goes to fridge Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?"

"I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs."

"Armed man come in to the bank an told everyone to be cool, so i put my shades on an lent against the wall... Fucker still shot me!"

"I'm open to change but not when it's sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning"

"What's pink, bubbling and tapping on glass? a baby in a microwave."

"[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky] But that means.... [Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]"

"[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak] wife: ""it's so beautiful"" me: ""can you believe they named this after a website?"""