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Joke of the Day

"*phone rings* Wife - ""Quick! Pretend I'm not in!"" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - ""...."""""

"What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more."

"A Kinect game made me angry enough to throw the controller at a wall... I've been in the hospital for 2 days now."

"Have you heard about the 2 tampons that could never get dates? [language] They were both stuck up cunts."

"A car pool is an extravagant waste of water."

"Why is Mortal Kombat X popular among SJWs? Because it has the Block Button. *cue the flames*"

"I'm always ready to go back to sleep"

"Life Pro Tip: Replace your shoelaces with earphone wires.. ... just look away and they'll tie themselves. (yes yes, it's not an original)"

"What do you call a nocturnal bird that likes both men and women? A bisexuowl. I'm sorry."

"When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos, I had to put my foot down"