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Joke of the Day

"My horoscope said that I won't get along with Cancer... Nether do people in hospice care."

"Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends."

"What does a tornado and a red-neck divorce have in common? Either way someone's going to lose a trailer."

"Some Ho decided to hit me in the face yesterday... Fucking garden tools."

"My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away. That's a bit far-fetched."

"Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi and the driver kept the ""Vacant"" sign up?"

"Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories."

"There's nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you."

"Patient: I have a strawberry lodged in my anus. Doctor: I have some cream for that."

"You can't sugar coat the truth with fat people... Or they'd probably eat that too."