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Joke of the Day

"How many people who subscribed to r/The_Donald does it take to screw in a light bulb? Obviously more than one because it's still dark in their mother's basement."

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"[hostage situation] Any last words? ""Nah, I'm good."" If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you're prayers. ""You are prayers. Lol."""
"""Nurse, I need 10 cc's of fluid, a scalpel and 100+ retweets about this kid from a celebrity on Twitter. STAT!"" - 2013 doctor"
"The sign said: FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH, but I doubt it."
"I'm hesitant to go ahead with my new plastic surgeon since he said he could give me ""the parts of an animal"" I was all gung-ho before, but now he's given me paws"
"What do you call a pirate that pees on other people? Rrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly"
"How do you kill a hipster? By drowning him in the mainstream"
"*jerks off to a picture of a good personality*"
"Where do geologists go for entertainment? *Rock concerts.*"
"If George Washington Carver became a teacher, what would his nickname be? The Nutty Professor"