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Joke of the Day

"Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos"

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"[wife walks in on me showering] ""Why are you wearing swim trunks?"" No reason. [she glares at me] SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON'T COME OFF OKAY"
"What do you call two Egyptians who've farted at the same time? Tutankhamun."
"[NSFW] What is the difference between your dick and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus! xD"
"Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight."
"Why do some people dislike twitch chat? It's just not their Kappa tea"
"The other day, someone called me an oxymoron. I was raging calm."
"Coining Money. George Washington: We should put ""We Trust In God"" on our money. Thomas Jefferson: Great idea! Did you get that? Yoda: Yep"
"Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you'll never know which side he's on."
"Before college, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but now I'm confident I have no idea what I'm doing."