204922

Joke of the Day

"What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake"

"Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses."

"Why are pedophiles safe drivers? They always slow down in front of kindergartens and schools!"

"Me: Now what's the rule, son? 11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can't call him a rapper. Me: You're learning..."

"Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fits Michael"

"Sometimes I think I've missed my calling. Luckly for me I have voicemail."

"I like my money like I like my women... Under the table."

"""OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this."" -Elephant"

"'He looks just like you' is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly."

"Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants."